Small White Flower

"Small White Flower"

“满招损，谦受益”。

- The conceited reap failure, the modest receive benefit.

Growing up as an ethnic Chinese, I have been reminded of this proverb constantly. We have fables about it, we have songs about it, we have comics about it. No matter how well kids have done their job, they are asked to be humble, because once you get too proud/confident of yourself, you'd probably fail immediately after that.

Let's recall how my ethnic Chinese friends receive compliments, no I mean we don't even receive them, we try to deny them. Here's an example,

"Xin Yi, your make up looks great"

"Nah no, you look better. You must have looked wrongly."

Another one,

"Congrats Lee, you scored so well in your Mathematics test!"

"I could have done better though,"

In common cases we say, "thank you" and smile; but that's how we usually "receive" compliments.

Up to this day, I still feel weird saying "thank you" to a simple compliment, there's a serious urge inside of me to reject the compliment, but secretly feeling good about the compliment.

To be frank, I had processed this proverb wrongly for 19 years of my life. Every time I have achieved something bad, I would zoom into the mistake quickly; but when it's something good, I'd just stop myself from thinking what I have succeeded at, I'd prevent myself from celebrating the victory, and keep the small joy of mine to myself, just because I thought doing so would make me seem "too proud" of myself.

(update 24/11/22: we might have developed this inferiority complex ig)

SPM 2020

I was an SPM 2020 candidate. Yes, one of the students who went through the hardships of studying during the pandemic. It was tough at first, during the outbreak of COVID-19, nonetheless I got the hang of online classes, while still struggling to overcome my short attention span.

I am no religious person (as this stage of my life), but I remember praying hard, keen to pass my (probably) last national examination with flying colors. I worked hard to drill my basic high school level knowledge; I did not want all my effort to go to waste after 11 years of formal education at school. I had a crazy packed, self-made, routine to carry out my daily tasks. It was intensive notes referring, and past year/ trial questions on repeat daily. I could recall telling myself SPM was important to me, it became a reminder for me to work hard to hopefully reduce my education debt and my parents' burden.

Needless to say, I am extremely privileged on having great financial and mental support throughout my journey of studying in the pandemic, I am forever grateful for the conducive and comfortable environment at home to study.

After the completion of SPM, I told myself to always expect the worst, so I will be able to handle the worst-case scenario with a stronger mentality.

"It must be the graph."

10th June 2021, I asked my mom for help to check my examination results. Again, like any other time, I told her to not expect much, because expectations bring to disappointment.

Well, to my surprise (more like relief) I obtained decent results, it was enough for me to be qualified as a candidate of several scholarship programs. OK maybe it might be more than just decent, I would say that the results obtained were what people claimed "excellent", they were the results I wanted to dream of achieving but was too afraid to do so.

My family's reaction (including mine) was rather calm. My dad, particularly, just nodded his head and smiled for 3 seconds, then proceeded to do his work. It was only an hour later, I started to build up some sort of emotion, crying while texting my "thank you" messages to my tutors and teachers, mainly for the sentiment of being their students for a long period of time.

I received so many congratulations and compliments via my telephone and message, yet I was not happy, I felt lucky. It must have been adjusted, the bell-shaped graph. The council of examination must have made it easier for us to score better due to the pandemic. It was never me, if I were to be a candidate in my seniors' years, I'd be doomed. I worked hard, but I'm not THAT GOOD. It was until a point I even asked my mother, whether she was happy with my results, I questioned whether I deserved this achievement. Even in my scholarship interviews, I lost the confidence as the person I was. I thought other people deserved this more than I did, I thought I wasn't an interesting candidate at all, I told myself what I achieved was probably just pure luck, and I thought I'd be over, as in failing to catch up, once I further my pre-university studies.

College

Embarking on a completely different journey, the sense of debilitation grew on me gradually.

I realized my secondary school was really just a small community of competition. While I was doing my foundation studies at a local public university, I worked hard on making adjustments to the independent learning and the language shift. I woke up early to prep myself for pre-lectures, studied hard for quizzes, slept late just to complete assignments. It was hell of a ride there------ transitioning from online lectures to physical lectures and exams. At the lowest point of my life, I doubted my choice on choosing where I continued my studies, I felt like I did not belong there, I felt like I was not meant to study there.

Things took a turn when physical classes started, I was a tad bit busier with the travelling between the hostel and the lecture hall/ rooms. Yet, I had batchmates, with different ambitions, who study hard diligently; they were competing for courses which were much more "competitive" than mine: medicine, pharmacy, dentistry, law, engineering, actuarial science. Seeing my peers hustle have motivated me to do the same thing as well, hence I coped with my chronic procrastination at college and strived for success.

Sabah Trip: Sense of Satisfaction

Results day, the second day of my Sabah trip. Not gonna lie, I was super worried how my grades would affect my trip there (in a bad way). I couldn't sleep the whole night, convincing myself to be prepared for the worst. I repeated my plan B multiple times in my mind, if things did not work out the way I wanted it to be.

On my way to Kuala Penyu, it was announced that semester 2 results would be released around 10am. We were on the highway, two of my friends checked theirs first: from their expressions, I knew that they did well, which was expected, they're hardworking and smart, and disciplined. I blasted music through the earphones, hoping I would have the best mindset ready to face my results. Funny enough, when I felt ready to look at my results, there was no internet connection in the middle of our trip.

Then, the time came, I keyed in my student number and all that, the results sheet was out.

My results were not as good as my friends', but that was the first time in many years I genuinely felt proud of myself. I cried; those were tears of joy. And of course, my friends were going: "Why are you crying? Those are good results," and "It's OK," as if I felt bad about my results. Well, no, I didn't, I was happy that I found the sense of satisfaction in me, the pride of conquering the few mathematical and science subjects I used to feel not confident about, the delight of knowing I did my best for myself.

That emotion, that was a first in a long time.

Take What Comes: Celebrating Oneself

25th September 2022, taking what comes.

Before getting a reveal of my university and course application, I immersed myself into several first aid related activities----I was either busy joining duties, becoming a helper or an event organizer. It was a strategy to distract myself from thinking about the application too often.

Lunch break, 12.00pm. I pretended to be calm about the whole scenario, I forced myself to down half a packet of nasi lemak, which was a rather small portion btw. That way, at least I don't face the news, good or bad, with an upset stomach.

12.20 pm, I keyed in my IC number.

"Take what comes,"

I chanted, repetitively.

Yep, you read that right, I received an offer to further my bachelor's degree in psychology.

I took at least 3 hours, contemplating on whether I should share my good news on my personal social media. I was quite conscious and paranoid at first, I was afraid that was not a "humble" act, I was scared people would think I'm bragging, or friends would think I'm overreacting.

In the end, with much effort of persuading myself, I posted the good news on my account, for that to be a reminder for me to keep on hustling. Also, a day for me to start learning how to celebrate the little and big things in life, no matter how stupid it might be to other people. My feelings matter and having my own way of cherishing my difficult and sweet moments in life was crucial as well.

"Take what comes,"

For my whole life, I think I might have focused too much on taking the bad more than the good. And it's time to acknowledge the good for myself too.